Last week I discussed kindness as a beatitude that may just prevent or defuse conflict. Today I would like to look at some practical pointers on being kind.

First, examine your heart to see if you are biased against the offending person. It’s hard to think kindly about, much less act compassionately toward those you hold in a negative light. Often unconscious biases are formed from past experiences or social stereotypes based on over-generalized and unfair beliefs.

Second, do not cease to confront just because you like someone, or use confrontation as a means of punishing someone you dislike. Neither is an act of kindness. Kindness helps others overcome their deficiencies and self-destructive tendencies.

Third, do not attack people; concentrate on the problem. Kindness avoids personal accusations, remembering that everyone is human, prone to make mistakes. A kind person empathizes with one who made the mistake and helps them find a way forward.

Practically speaking, avoid words like ‘always’ and ‘never.’ (“You never do your share of the work!” or “You’re always late!”) Statements like this are always false, never true. Generalizing like this encourages the conflict to continue and even fan it up to the next level. Plus these words are anything but kind.

It’s much better to express hurt rather than hostility. Use “I messages” instead of “you messages.” I feel “such and such a way,” is less inflammatory. You’re not judging or accusing. You’re owning your own feelings. This also opens the door for further discussion and practical problem-solving. Besides, it’s kind!