Stephen Covey introduced us to the concept of an emotional bank account . Every person has one…you either make deposits —kind, positive words that build someone up—or withdrawals —offenses that have the potential to break down a relationship—in other people’s bank accounts.

We’re all prone to making mistakes and will therefore make withdrawals in others’ emotional bank accounts. The key is to make ample deposits to offset the withdrawals. Serious problems occur when too many withdrawals have been made and these accounts become overdrawn.

So here’s some advice for maintaining positive relationships. For every negative, hurtful, discouraging thing you’ve said to someone, you should say several kind, loving, helpful, encouraging things. John Gottman’s pioneering research shows that for marriages to last there needs to be a 5:1 ratio in terms of deposits and withdrawals. Kind, positive interactions like complimenting, smiling, and touching must outnumber negative comments like sarcasm or put-downs by a ratio of 5-to-1. In fact, marriages that are at a 1:1 ratio are teetering on the brink of divorce. You must be kind far more than you are unkind.

On a side note, does kindness and positivity have limits? Apparently, that ratio diminishes slightly for those in work environments. People on teams or work groups should maintain a ratio of 3:1. Barbara Frederickson ’s research at the University of Michigan concluded that when this ratio approaches 12:1 the team may no longer be as effective—too much praise and not enough passionate, unfiltered, debate (to borrow from Patrick Lencioni) renders a team unproductive and unsuccessful.